How to Cope With the Loss of a Loved One
By Jennifer G. McKechnie, MSW, RSW, Psychotherapist
Death and grieving. Not exactly a topic we like to chat about at the water cooler. As a society, we try hard to avoid it: fitness fads, vitamins, ”super” veggies, helicopter parenting, and the endless search for a life-extending magic elixir! Despite our best attempts, in the end, death is inevitable. And grief is a reality we’ll all have to confront one day.
Grief can be sparked by a difficult diagnosis, slowly progressing ever bigger as our loved one’s energy diminishes. At other times, grief arrives suddenly – with an unexpected knock at the door or ring of the telephone. Whatever the case, grief always seems to take us by surprise and changes life as we know it.
It’s important to understand that grief doesn’t typically happen in stages and phases. Instead, it ebbs and flows. But with the right tools, a bit of support, and a lot of self-compassion, grief can be manageable. Each of us can find ways to maneuver this journey that nobody wants to be on.
Normalizing grief
Remember, we’re only human. And humans are mammals that are gifted with a nervous system that shouts, “I’m safe!” when life is going smoothly, and “I’m not safe!” when we are confronted by a stressful situation.
Not surprisingly, the news of a loved one’s death can be shocking, upsetting, and even traumatic – all of which result in feelings of stress. Many of us respond to stress by entering one of three ”survival” states: fight (anger or aggression), flight (physical or mental avoidance), or freeze (think: deer in headlights). Others may have no energy to move or function, and might shut down or withdraw from the world completely.
Rest assured that each of these reactions to grief is normal. It’s even normal to feel angry at the person you’ve lost for leaving you behind. There is truth to the saying that it’s okay not to be okay.
Coping with loss
Following a death, there is often a frenzy of activity as we go about making plans for the deceased. Many of us will be surrounded by friends and family, receiving countless calls and cards expressing condolences. But then it all starts to slow down. ”Normal life” resumes. Except, for the person grieving, it hasn’t. The sudden absence of all those distractions can be a challenge.
When we aren’t okay, there are some actions we can take to help soothe some of our hard-to-manage reactions.
- Connect with your support circle when you can. Even though you may not want to socialize, commit to connecting with trusted friends regularly. Set up coffee dates, phone or Zoom chats, walks, or other outings. Send texts if you are too tired. Or, make use of the crisis or distress lines available in your province. Connection is important.
- Stick to a routine. Follow your regular hygiene practices, even if you don’t feel like it. Have a shower and put on clean clothes. Brush your teeth. Aim to do the little things you always do. Have a coffee. Walk the dog. Feed the cat. Get groceries. Watch a favourite show.
- Give your brain (and heart) a break. It’s normal to reminisce about the past or worry about a future without your loved one in it. But every now and then, try bringing your attention to the here and now to give yourself a break. A great way to do this is by using your senses to notice the things around you: Listen to the coffee percolating, breathe in its aroma, watch the steam rise from your cup, feel the heat as you bring the mug to your lips, and savour the taste as you take that first sip.
- Get outside and get moving. Take opportunities to step outside to breathe in fresh air, to look up at the sky, to connect with nature. Gentle movement or, for some, more strenuous exercise can help boost mood.
- Breathe. Inhale deeply through your nose, and then let your breath out slowly. Repeat whenever you need a quick re-set.
- Surround yourself with meaningful belongings. Whether a favourite sweater, a worn-out stuffie, a watch they never took off, old photos, or a favourite song, if it was meaningful to the person you lost, it may provide you with comfort. It’s also a way to remain connected.
- Keep their memory alive. Tell stories about a favourite time, quirky habits, or a laugh shared. If it’s too hard to say it out loud in the early days, keep a journal.
- Be flexible around holidays and anniversaries. If you feel you need to, change things up a little, or consider doing something different altogether. A new menu, a new location, a planned getaway. It is okay, and can be helpful, to invent new traditions.
- Be gentle with yourself. As you return to normal daily activities, don’t expect too much from yourself. And be kind. Treat yourself as you would your best friend. Remember that stepping back into work might mean a new wave of condolences. Showing emotion when you need to can be okay.
When days turn into weeks
If you are struggling to move beyond those initial survival responses, it may be time to reach out to a professional. Speaking with a therapist that specializes in trauma and grief is a perfectly normal next step. These individuals are trained to support you on your journey after a loss. And remember, they are a simple phone call or email away.
You may also be able to connect with fast, confidential counselling that is covered through your Employee Assistance Plan. Or, if you are the beneficiary of your loved one’s life insurance, their policy may come with a Bereavement Counselling benefit that reimburses counselling expenses for a set number of months up to a maximum amount.
Whether the loss of a beloved pet, friend, or family member, we cannot escape death. And with death comes grief. While there is no manual for coping with loss, no right or wrong way to grieve, you can get through this most challenging time.
Remember, although grief can be a complicated emotion, it is often a reflection of the love we hold for that person we’ve lost.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Jennifer G. McKechnie is a trauma therapist working with both children and adults. Jennifer utilizes interventions such as Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR), Sensorimotor Psychotherapy, as well as Polyvagal Theory in her work. She values ongoing learning as a key part of maintaining and growing her practice. When away from the office, Jennifer incorporates self-regulation techniques into her day by connecting with nature through running, as well as spending time with her partner and pets.
