Pregnancy and Infant Loss: No One Should Be Alone in Their Grief

By Jennifer G. McKechnie, MSW, RSW, Psychotherapist

Pregnancy is often celebrated as a time of growth, life, family time, and lots of balloons. And while pregnancies are generally viewed as cause for big celebration, the birth of a newborn tends to upstage gender reveals, baby showers, and diaper parties, as countless visitors show up to welcome the little one.

Perhaps because this stage of life is seen as such as a happy time, a miscarriage or the loss of an infant often become hushed events. Pregnancy and infant loss are generally things that people do not talk about. This lack of recognition can lead to complex emotions for those experiencing the loss. Feelings of grief, loss, sadness, and even shame are not uncommon for a parent going through this, making it a particularly hard time – one that is often faced alone.

Pregnancy Loss

When I was about 10 years old, I remember being hushed by a family member after I shared that my friend’s mom had miscarried. We were in the presence of a pregnant relative, and it suddenly dawned on me that I had said something very “bad.” The message I absorbed at that time, and that countless others have as well, is that discussing miscarriage and the inability to get pregnant is taboo.

Other women who have had fertility struggles or miscarriages have shared similar experiences noting deep feelings of shame and the belief that their grief should be muted and not be discussed publicly. However, loss – whether it be an inability to get pregnant, early miscarriage, or late term miscarriage – is loss, and are all deserving of gentleness, understanding, compassion, and support.

Grief can represent the love, hope, and dreams that were wrapped up in the idea of a new arrival. Pregnancy loss is the loss of much love and needs to be met in this way.

Infant Loss

For some, the experience of loss comes after the baby’s arrival. Newborns may succumb to Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS), an illness, or an accident. Regardless of what has caused the infant’s passing, individuals and families are left with significant grief, trauma, and the passing of a lifetime of unlived experiences.

Similar to the loss of a pregnancy, the loss of an infant in the early stages of life can feel like a very isolating experience. Aside from the sending of condolences, many people don’t want to “upset” the grieving family by bringing up the loss. Although it is likely due to the person’s own discomfort with grief and loss, and not intentionally done to harm the grieving individuals, this avoidance can unintentionally cause those experiencing the loss to feel as though their grief is in some way not worthy of being discussed – perhaps because of the short time they had with their child. Additionally, many going through the loss of an infant already hold a sense of over-responsibility for their child’s passing.

Whether human error was present or not, many feel a deep sense of shame and even self-blame in addition to the grief that they are experiencing. These parents may be going through endless ruminations about the days leading up to their little one’s passing as they question whether or not there was something they could have done differently. Again, individuals experiencing this unimaginable loss need kindness, love, and support as they experience the waves of grief and sadness.

Navigating Grief: Things to Consider

If you or someone you know are going through pregnancy loss or the loss of an infant here are some thoughts to consider:

• If you experience a pregnancy loss personally, be kind to your body. This may feel challenging and you may feel as though your body betrayed you. Please know our bodies do their best to keep us safe and healthy. Be gentle with yours as it experiences this loss.
• If you are trying to support someone that has experienced pregnancy loss, do not act like their grief is unwarranted. A lot of emotion can arise with the appearance and disappearance of that little positive symbol, and that emotion must be acknowledged. Keep in mind that when pregnancy loss is experienced close to term, a relationship has already developed between the expectant parents and the baby being carried. Honour that connection by acknowledging the loss.
• Likewise, the loss of an infant is a hugely significant event. Even if only a few days old, this was the loss of a human being who made a mark on those around them. Clothes and toys were lovingly gathered, walls of their bedroom were painted with anticipation, and a name that meant something to the parents was picked out. Honour the baby and the life those parents imagined for their child by acknowledging this little person and talking about them with those who loved them.
• Yes, it is okay to talk about pregnancy and infant loss – in fact, talking about it helps to ease the associated stigma and shame. If you are the person experiencing the loss, talk to your support people and share your feelings. Don’t be afraid to tell them what you need, because the reality is, they simply may not know what to do or say.
• For those grieving, consider acknowledging the loss in a ceremonial way. This may involve anything from an actual funeral or obituary, to the planting of a tree in the baby’s name, to any number of other ceremonies that are meaningful to you.
• And finally, don’t ever be afraid to reach out for professional help. Trauma therapy and support groups are available both in person and online. Remember that you are not alone and that other people have experienced this type of loss too.

October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month

While it’s a start that we are encouraged to talk openly about pregnancy and infant loss, one month is not enough. As family members and friends, colleagues and neighbours, we need to acknowledge the expectant or hopeful parents that have experienced this type of loss no matter what day or month it happens to be. And then we need to meet them with kindness and support.

If you or a loved one needs help coping, please connect with a pregnancy and infant loss support centre in your area. A quick internet search can pull up numerous resources, some that will be very close to you. You don’t have to be alone in your grief.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Jennifer G. McKechnie is a trauma therapist working with both children and adults. Jennifer utilizes interventions such as Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR), Sensorimotor Psychotherapy, as well as Polyvagal Theory in her work. She values ongoing learning as a key part of maintaining and growing her practice. When away from the office, Jennifer incorporates self-regulation techniques into her day by connecting with nature through running, as well as spending time with her partner and pets.