Tips for Coping With Loss Over the Holidays
By Jennifer G. McKechnie, MSW, RSW, Psychotherapist
Most years, the holiday season is a time many of us look forward to. It’s a time to enjoy traditional foods and drink with family and friends. Gatherings and get-togethers mark our calendars. Nostalgic movies and music help ‘make the season bright.’
But this time of year can take on a more serious or difficult tone for those experiencing loss. You may be doing your best to find the energy for good cheer in between the reality of daily life – trips to the grocery store, shopping malls, holiday parties, religious gatherings, and the everyday grind.
Grief around the holidays is a difficult burden to carry. Not wanting to take away from the enjoyment of others, those in mourning may keep silent about their sadness as they go through familiar routines and traditions. But the holidays can be a reminder of years gone by when a missing loved one was present to celebrate with us, or when life may have simply felt easier.
Last year (when I was well into my 40’s!), I celebrated my first Christmas without my last surviving grandparent, my nana. Our family’s yearly tradition of spending December 24th at her home came to an abrupt halt with the sale of her house earlier that summer. The grief we felt missing her was palpable. It was also connected to other layers of grief: for the other grandparents who were no longer present, the loss of my dad years before, the nostalgia for childhood and simpler times, and the reality that time clicks on.
I know I am not alone in feeling all of these layers of grief. I also know that we tend not to talk about them. But the reality is: When you’ve lost someone you love, holidays or celebrations of any kind can be bittersweet.
So, in the spirit of wanting to help any person who, like me, is celebrating the holidays while grieving a person you love, I have compiled some suggestions on ways to make space for your grief during the hustle and bustle of the season.
1. Don’t pretend your grief is not there.
Avoidance is not your friend. When I was a kid, my parents would ask me to clean the room I shared with my sister. We had a closet. We would shove every item on our floor (garbage, clothes, books – you name it) into said closet and close the door. Eventually, the door wouldn’t close. The point: Avoidance is the closet; your emotions are the items. Shove enough emotion into that closet and they’ll eventually burst out.
2. Reach out to your support system.
Reminisce with friends and family about years gone by. Explore old photos and videos. Nostalgia can bring some sadness, but it also holds the happiness of those memories, and even some laughter at old stories – and fashion choices. Enjoy the sweetness while making some space for the sadness.
3. Give yourself space (literally and figuratively).
If the holiday season means increased time in busy stores – and if that feels overwhelming to you – try to shop at off-times (dinner time or earlier in the day) to avoid the crowds. And remember, it’s perfectly okay if you’re not in the holiday spirit this year. Give yourself permission to feel whatever it is that you’re feeling. Making space for your grief is an important part of the coping process.
4. Change up traditions.
Last year on Christmas Eve, we could have all shown up at my grandparents’ house as was the tradition. But it would have likely resulted in the new owners calling the police after discovering us in their basement, singing songs and opening gifts. My family was forced into a position of having to change traditions. So, we did. And it helped. We still celebrated in a similar fashion, with similar foods – but we spread it around to different homes and, as a result, started some new traditions!
5. Commit to things in moderation.
If you choose to drink alcohol, be thoughtful about how much. Emotions may be closer to the surface if you’re grieving, and alcohol can exacerbate that. Similarly, make mindful choices about all of those holiday sweets and treats. Negative emotions can lead to emotional (or binge) eating – which feels great in the moment, but terrible afterwards. That’s because feeling overwhelmed can sometimes result in zoning out of our bodies. Take time to register if you’re actually feeling hungry or full, and try to eat according to what your body is telling you.
6. Take some time out.
It’s okay to decide to sit out on an event if you are not feeling up to it. And if that’s the case, try using that time for some focused foundational self-care: resting your body, engaging in some gentle movement, putting on comfy clothes, ensuring your need for good food and good hydration are met, listening to some favourite music, or connecting with a supportive friend or family member.
7. Get outside.
Many of us meet winter with an “ugh….” But despite darker days, winter can be a magical time. Pause and notice the intricate designs that frost creates on our windows, and take in those beautiful snow-covered trees. Wrap yourself up and go for a walk to soak in some vitamin D – the earlier in the day, the better as it can help our melatonin production and offer us a better night’s sleep. Try using the earlier arrival of darkness as a way of focusing on your comfort: Layer your inside environment with warm lighting and cozy blankets. Winter can offer a time to reframe the way we take care of ourselves.
8. Take a moment to remember.
Many cultures honour the dead with meaningful ceremonies. You may want to take a moment individually, or as a family, to honour the loved ones that are no longer with you on days of celebration. You may choose to include photos, story sharing, music, or a favourite food. When we take a moment to remember, we keep that person’s spirit alive.
Certainly, this list is not exhaustive. But it’s a starting point. We don’t have to hide from our grief at times of celebration. We can make space for our feelings, and still find ways of enjoying the holidays.
Human beings are complex – it’s perfectly normal to be able to hold space for a variety of emotions all at the same time.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Jennifer G. McKechnie is a trauma therapist working with both children and adults. Jennifer utilizes interventions such as Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR), Sensorimotor Psychotherapy, as well as Polyvagal Theory in her work. She values ongoing learning as a key part of maintaining and growing her practice. When away from the office, Jennifer incorporates self-regulation techniques into her day by connecting with nature through running, as well as spending time with her partner and pets.
